Beyond the lap of the mountains_Feb 4_2015

What was ‘my shortest trip to the farthest place’ left me with the thought, ‘that’s one small step for a man, a giant leap for mankind’. Honestly, I hadn’t put Darjeeling on my ‘I better go there before I die’ list but I didn’t know the trip would lead me to a reflection of this depth. It’s not just nature’s beauty and form which is so mesmerizing, but how nature has endowed humans with a ‘curiosity’ enough to goad us to take formidable tasks, especially those which can defy the very creation of nature itself: the survival instinct. Read a random website that said, around 2,200 people have made it up the Everest, and another 200 have perished with this drive to reach the height.

Two thoughts keep me in awe, one is the ‘small step’, that people can live (and be ready to die) to climb something so majestic and tyrannical at the same time, knowing (and even not knowing) what actually beholds the great climb. Second, the gift of nature…no not the mountains…but how nature has given ‘mankind’ this crazy feeling to explore the unknown, ask questions, take risks, challenge our own selves and it is this curiosity and this thirst for knowledge which drives us farther than we have ever known we can go, just to go even farther than we will ever know. It is this determination and perseverance that makes us humans as great as those splendid mountains. And I must admit, no matter how selfish the act may seem (to some), it has often led to achievements for humanity as a whole. Somewhere, I still don’t feel that people who climb the Everest and the Kangchenjunga are selfish (for name)…I think its solely a reflection of the drive nature has endowed us with…some people are driven to climb mountains…others are driven to make better instruments or medicines, others are dedicated to create something new or endlessly express through an artistic medium. I feel that everyone has something that gives them the drive and determination to persevere against all odds. Sadly, most people don’t get the opportunities to realize it, or are content without wanting to realize it and yet there is a huge chunk which is merely lazy! I only feel bad for the last category!

All risk is worth taking for the will to know. When the plane flew adjacent to the Himalayan range, I laughed thinking that, what’s unnatural in not fearing death (or accepting it) in front of the CURIOSITY to reach the peak of those royal mountains? Yes, my curiosity isn’t enough to lead me there…but I can feel the pulse of those who put their life knowing they may not return, just for the sake of curiosity. I mean you got to die someday, why not die doing what you love? This isn’t about the first mountaineering expeditions; it’s about all the human endeavors made in the search for knowledge…what is really out there! So many explorers have set sail just trying to map the world…and that’s another thing that fascinates me. I couldn’t take my eyes off the houses beside the hills…how did someone just start constructing them? Someone really had the will to connect the hills and build roads to connect them, no matter how far and how high…the determination is commendable. Well, we are a luckier generation that with advanced science and more personal income, we can do a lot more. A lot more not just for that whacky drive that stimulates action for self satisfaction, but also for greater good.

Now the other thoughts…I didn’t know the history of Darjeeling till I reached there and sat reading (though it was hard because the drive was so beautiful and I had to keep my eyes there too)…and as usual, it added more and more questions to my question bank! I can only ponder, not resolve these. So some people (who spoke English) tried their best (or someone’s best) to carve out states in our country, based on what I correctly read in sociology, ‘linguistic’ lines. Trust me, no one can satisfactorily address questions of language and culture. It’s so complex….you could go to the moon and climb millions of mountains and dive dozens of seas figuring out answers to questions related to ‘nature’, but nothing is as complex as what human beings have created, ‘culture’. So I don’t know. I don’t know how pervasive the cultural diffusion between the Nepalis, the Tibetans, the British, the Bengalis (if so), and others has been. I don’t know how the influence of Buddhism, Hinduism and Christianity figures in creating harmony and differences. I don’t know why we accept the ignorance of local knowledge in some contexts, while express exuberance for the exotic in others- its funny how the Chomolungma/Sagarmatha just enveloped into the Everest, and paradoxically Wai-Wai wielded westwards! How much will we continue to allow ethnicity to maintain status quo? I don’t know if statehood really translates into autonomy? I don’t know if statehood has anything to do with culture. I don’t know how to understand being displaced from your country and living between the ideals of ahimsa and revolution. I don’t know how it feels to politically pendulum between the mainstream and retain your roots. 

It really was ‘my shortest trip to the farthest place’, but it left me with more questions than my so many other trips, much longer and deeper. I have to say I went with the excitement to taste the Thukpa on the roadside (which obviously how could I miss)…coz ‘if you shall not eat as ‘in Rome’ when you travel, then you shall not travel’… but it didn’t last long when I read the endeavors of human curiosity to climb the mountains in the lap of the esoteric political histories which have shaped culture as it exists today. 

Obviously there will be earthquakes!_May 13 2015

I don’t know why people are afraid of earthquakes when they are the ones who cause it. We all are responsible for our own actions and the consequences of these will always be borne by us. History is the witness. So what were you thinking mankind when you exploited Mother Earth over the centuries?

I always feel that it is not the (administrative/political) leader of the country who brings changes in a country. It is the citizens and people themselves. We are the leaders of our own life and actions and one action of ours WILL ACTUALLY change our country, not some scheme or funds. A government can only design a message and provide means, but that ACTIONS have to be done by us. It’s surprising why people don’t have that much vision that, when we have collectively worked (and each one has taken up a role), we have made breakthroughs in science and art. It’s a funny theory; it’s about the power of ONE in a COLLECTIVE. Each one being a center of action, and when all (collective) take action, there will be only goodness.

It is only when YOU stop throwing litter and making our planet a filthy landfill. When YOU learn to recycle and reuse; and the easiest is ‘don’t use, don’t buy’ what you can’t dispose off without hurting Nature and People.  I seriously can’t understand this obsession with ‘more’…most people are quite dumb that they don’t realize that ‘LESS IS MORE’. The less you use, the more there is for your own children and the global family. Dad always tells us that if you wanna buy one thing, then donate/discard one thing in place of it. I mean what are you going to do accumulating all these items? I have never received a satisfactory answer to that question.

We were born naked and we will die (of course) naked or clothed with one item. We will take nothing with us when we die, so accumulating and MAINTAINING items is not an act of intelligence or comfort. Actually I am not sure how many people have realized that buying more things actually costs more in terms of the time and money put to maintain them. I have to admit, that one of my frustrations (out of the many) is that I spend SO MUCH TIME maintaining items. Sometimes, I just want to throw every item I have away (except a few!). Let’s see, if I had bought 20 less clothes in 4 months, I would wash 20 less clothes. Assuming that each cloth takes 5 minutes to wash and dry, I would be left with 100 minutes of free time. If I had 4 less pieces of furniture, I would save 20 minutes per furniture to dust in a month, hence I will earn 80 minutes of free time. 180 minutes. Wow, just imagine how many friends and family members I could call and meet in that time. How much quality I would add to my life, but putting people above objects. And for the highly intelligent math students, you could go on to calculate the electricity saved and so on. So somewhere in the future, I would cause less destruction to the Planet and less disasters. Wow, I would save lives by buying and keeping less. Hence, my less would be someone’s more. Strangely, human intellect, education and philosophy can’t fathom such SIMPLE things. Actually you don’t need intelligence and education to understand this, you only need a heart and common sense.

You know when earthquakes will stop killing our own families? When we begin to bleed with every tree that is cut, when our heart breaks with every drop of water that is wasted, every litter that is not recycled, every minute that electricity is wasted in an empty room; and when it deeply pains to waste food. You have to feel it from your heart (actually that’s the ‘theory of everything’). It’s not just boyfriends who should make our heart ache, it’s also every act of OURSELF which is selfish. It’s only when we begin to realize that yes our mother gave birth to us, but the Planet/Nature preserved us.  I don’t really blame the education system (and who is really going to change it), but I blame parents for not developing SUCH A BASIC VALUE SYSTEM in their children. It’s so easy, just have GRATITUDE towards Nature. What will educational degrees give you? What will a big position at your work place give you? What will money give you if you don’t even know how to take a quicker shower? What did you think? That you will buy natural water from Nature with that hard earned cash? I am sorry, but what kind of company can rely on employees (to generate profit) who can’t even take a shorter shower and turn off the lights when no one needs them? Such employers must be stupid in hiring insensitive people. If you can’t do a lifesaving act for your mother (Nature), then what really will you do for your company and with so much education?

I wish parents teach their kids that it is not ‘SOMEONE out there’ who will make the world a better place, BUT IT IS YOU. Only YOU can change; and ONLY YOU will have to change. No one else can change the world EXCEPT YOU. It’s quite a responsibility huh, we are always running after comforts for our family and our self and here we are landed up with the responsibility to take care of the Earth and teach our children some good values! And for whomever it is hard, then I am not really sorry, but you deserve to perish with the fury of Mother Nature. It’s not an earthquake, it’s the cry of our Mother who has nurtured us and to whom we are a burden with our selfish acts. I have no proof, but I can guarantee that if EVERY PERSON on this planet takes responsibility of their actions and make conscious decisions to be sensitive to our Mother and our People, there will be less earthquakes/less destruction.

What deeply pains is that the consequences of the actions of a few (read: elite) are being borne by a larger group and sadly, this will continue, TILL EACH ONE OF US DOESN’T FEEL A SENSE OF GRATITUDE AND RESPONSIBILITY towards Nature and our People.

She just isn't a daughter, she is also not a son_June 13 2015

Been watching a couple of new movies back to back…watchedPiku, then Tanu Weds Manu Returns and Dil Dhadakne Do. I see something similarrunning through the themes of these movies. They are about daughters. Thedaughters of my country. She just isn’t a daughter, she is also not a son. 

All movies represent daughters either as themselves or inrelation to sons. There are two kinds of daughters; those with brothers andthose without brothers. They have their own set of struggles, like the moviesshow. The fertility rate in India is decreasing and many couples are delayingchildbirth; of which some are consciously choosing to have one child orleft with no choice but to conceive one baby (sadly, adoption looks like a faraway dream; and a completely different issue which I am passionate to write about).

So, largely in urban areas there will be more couples whowill discontinue childbearing afterhaving only a daughter or two. So what will our (son obsessed) country be likeafter this generation, when the son will not be there? All three movies raisemany questions about this. My son is there to keep the family businessgoing…but what if my daughter has an aptitude for business unlike my son? ShouldI include her in my family business? Is she really part of my family aftergetting married? Will the Indian society adapt when daughters choose to goahead with their careers and enjoy their work…when family gives equalimportance to the choice of their daughters like they do for their sons? Willthe Indian society adapt when there is no son to take care of the parents? Willthere be a change in the roles and expectations from one’s son in-law? Willthis change come from him or from society? There are many sons in-law who maywant to be the ‘son’, but society never stops reminding them of their differentposition, which is equally distancing yet revered. Does my daughter have to be a ‘tomboy’ to beperceived as strong and independent? Can she be ‘feminine’ (which itself is asocial construction) and be strong, wise, able, independent and make herchoices? Does choosing marriage/family make a woman stupid? If thecareer-oriented woman is single or unhappy with her marriage, then is it herfault? We feed her guilt if she gives less time to her family but ignore herpartner (who is also another daughter’s brother) if he has no interest or timefor his family. What about the ambitious woman who is applauded by her father,brother, husband and son? They have a problem both, if she isn’t dependent on aman and even if she is.

These movies also brought a new age concept in Hindi cinema-women enjoying their work. Many films have shown women working but a few blatantlyshow women enjoying their work and hardly any film shows that she is respected (byher family, partner and society) for that. The career-oriented woman (and theone passionate about pursuing her dreams) is either ‘bad for the family’ or‘divested of Indian values’. She is scheming, she is too independent (does notfeel the need to commit to a man) and she gives less time to the home andfamily. Like in Piku, she had to be someone who was ‘sexually liberated’ and inDil Dhadakne Do, she is ridiculed for desiring a partner who ‘understood’ herand rather wanting a divorce on that basis. And what about the ridicule thesensitive men face? When you criticize patriarchy, you are just laughed at.When you experience it, you cry.

But the woman who enjoys her work is a reality our countryhas to face…especially our men. We can either ignore/avoid her, judge her or adaptand work out ways to keep our values intact. We can also admire her for thelife-long efforts she puts in to keep her family happy and balance her dreamswith the needs of society (ever wondered that its mostly the woman who has to ‘balance’). We can alsoembrace her for the contribution (including the non-monetary) she makes to herfamily and the country (which no man could ever make). Lets admit it, men/societyare not going to change so fast, so she will still be expected to play agreater role in the family compared to her brother, husband and son. However,in this changing society, she is expected to conform to old-age norms to a greater extent compared to her brothers or partner/male friends.  And many women do…but she isn’t just a woman;now she will also be the only daughter.

We all know this side of the story. But who tries to knowwhat she feels? The daughter always compared to her brother; from whom wecontinue to expect more in the familial domain and less in the non-familialdomain. Does she enjoy being compared to her brother from a young age? Does shealways want her brother to stand up for her needs and emotions? The onlydaughter who does care about her parents after she is married and socialized togive them less priority compared to the family she is married into. Isn’t therea Piku is most of us? Does she have to give up marriage because she doesn’texpect our men to be sensitive and ‘balance’ between two families? Does shehave to live with guilt her whole life because she enjoys doing something? Can she not want a man who understands her as a person? Doesshe have to worry continuously because her parents didn’t give her a brother? Ourwomen are working hard, they are mothers and daughters in-law…but before that,they are first daughters.

Coz we are women...March 8 2015

I meet women from different walks of life…but we are bound together as women, coz we are women. Last two weeks I heard more stories from so many women, all which everyone knows about, but it was the first time so many women talked to me about their ‘being women’. Just a sample of their stories. Changing names, coz we are women. 

Mamta is married and has two small kids (she told me later it has been a love marriage). She and her husband worked with us. She confided in me that she prefers that she and her husband work in the same team and travel to the same places. She said that her husband wont prefer her to work at all if they don’t work in the same team/close by.  I said its (temporary field based) work and I don’t know how much its possible. Then lowering her voice she added that she actually wants that she and her husband do not work in the same team as he will ‘scold’ her; or judge the way she works.

Katrina is so young and always smiling. Completing her BA. She is the eldest with two younger brothers. She has a big farm and knows a lot about farming. She makes it a point to go to her farm everyday, its not far, just one kilometre of walking. But she goes to college too, which is 5 kilometers far. I asked her how she goes. She said she walks.

Kavita has done her PhD from Europe. Her topic was domestic violence. She married the man she loves. When she studied in Europe (and a PhD is a long time), he was supportive and stayed in India and travelled to and fro in the ways it worked out best for them. Today she says her husband is physically violent with her.

Rakhi is bright. One day she hurriedly came up to me and said, ‘I hope I did the work correctly, as I don’t want to loose this work assignment’. She didn’t give me a chance to speak and went on, ‘my mother has supported me to come here and work. She wants her daughters to work. Even my elder sister is working in another state’. ‘My mother wants us to earn and do something so I don’t want to loose this. I was accepted admission to Delhi University to study but my family did not let me go. I live in a big family and till my father’s elder brothers and younger brothers don’t agree, I can’t go study. I really want to learn something here (at this work assignment).’

Leela has a beautiful smile. She was working as a community mobilizer in her village and nearby villages. She had been given a cycle by the NGO and used it to travel. She used to visit pregnant women. She worked for two years and then left it. Her father didn’t want her to work more as he didn’t like what people of the community said about his daughter doing this kind of work. She said that for the first six months she hadn’t even told her father about her work. She used to tell him that she is assisting her elder sister who runs her own beauty salon. She said her sister says that she will only marry a man who supports her entrepreneurial activity of running the salon. Today Leela’s family allowed her to work where she is presently, as she is working with a team of girls.

We briefed our team on the safe and unsafe days of the menstrual cycle. Its part of our work on reproductive, maternal and child health. In a group of couple of girls/women, Gayatri said, ‘okay my date starts from 14th this month….so which days would be safe and unsafe for me?’ We all did the calculations as many times till everyone in the group understood.  Gayatri stood up in awe and said, ‘in the last 21 years of my life, no one has ever told me this! I always had the wrong information.’

These all are educated women of my country, full of aspirations and the desire to do more. But their stories don’t end here. Neither do stories of all the women of our country and of the world. I am not judging, I am only here to share. We all have our struggles, coz we are women. We are what we are socialized as. We are what we are taught to be. We are not what we want to be; we don’t even know if we were taught to ‘want’ to be anything. We be what they want us to be, coz we are women.