* me...myself and i...

Everytime i used to see my cousin on the cellphone, joking, laughing, expressing everything possible she could think of, i used to wonder, how alientating it gets...how we all want to be given some attention, loved a little bit...and then another cousin of mine got a cellphone, then another, then another........now all of us sit around...we get so excited seeing each other like we always used to...but we no more feel aliented...coz we all have cellphones, we all have free roaming, free text messaging....reduced calling, we have the freedom, which every slave desires...we have to the freedom to choose the limited...
we all sit around, we do share everything we want to, but not to each other, we have friends!!, we have friends of the real wolrd, the virtual world and the hyperreal world...anyone who's in our inbox, on our address book, our calling list, on our network.......is our friend...
then who are we????who are we????the exluded, the one who is not messaged, the one is who is not called........the one who is not scrapped, the one who is not blogged.......the one who sits accross you........the one dispriveleged to see your face, the one uninterested in what you say???...
how alone am i???....how alone am i, who wishes for a moment for myself, who has everything, real, virtual and hyperreal in front of me???...who has my sister sitting accross me, my friend over the phone and my email just accross my gaze...i cry for my space, i cry to be alone, i cry to be with myself.....
i have everything, the cellphone, the texting, the emailing, the networking........the movies, the music, the books, the games, the wordpad........i still crave for my space, i still feel feel alone......
sometimes i hate that i have so many people around..........and i know i will cry for all this one day, today when i cherish to be alone, there will be a day when it will pain........when i wil be all alone, all by myself, me myself and i.....we will dialogue, we will strike off an itellectual debate, we will argue, we will laugh..........but we wont be content...
we will search for those days when people filled the room...................
and when people fill the room (and technology), i want my space...i want to be alone.......

* loving myself

i love myself!!!
i'm so moody......
i love the fact that i plan every day of my life, that i get frustrated when my computer is slow, that i worry when its past 7...that i am obsessed with washing clothes, that i seriously think i should stop eating junk food, that i love eating all kinds of food that exists, that i love to study, that i love to conform to those tiny rules (taking a bus ticket, not being late for class), i love that i hate being nice to others and sometimes i end up doing so (with reluctance)...i love that i hate the perpetuators of patriarchy and that i can deeply analyze capitalism other alienating social facts which have trapped people, i love that i hate loosing pens and specially the cap of the pen (which i did today), i love that i carry bottled water wherever i go, and medicines too...though i hate going to the doctor and it takes long to persuade me to do that...i like that i am crazy about saving money and i have no clue for what...i love that i can eat anytime of the day, anywhere, anything (i had tinda for breakfast today)........and this compulsion for keeping everything clean, organized and in place...and that i hate people who are too different from me or are not sensitive to others....
ok, i am bored, i have to do lots of work and my PC has some stupid malware..so it always shows the wrong time.......ishaa

* complexity becomes complex

india is one place where you see social identity in all facets........in all expressions....

its a sense of belongingness...in this world of differences and collectivity.......the need to belong has become so strong........

and we dont stop at belongingness....we strive for identity........for assertion.........for superiority.....in this way, we have become so ignorant

we have become ignorant of other social groups..we take this ignorance as a claim for our social superioeity...like we say "really, X group does that?"(marked with sarcasm)......so we are trying to say that we never knew that such a practice could exist...we lived in our small secure world, in our customs and practices........we believe that our customs are right, that we are correct..

but customs are not right or worng, nor good are bad.........they just smoothen our life and add colour to it........

we have become ignorant of basic human needs also............

travelling to places and meeting people makes you contemplate on the concpet of identity......the 'why' is no longer puzzling........but the 'how' is fascinating.......

why do we look down upon those who eat rice with their hands and think it is cool to eat pizza with a fork and knife (even the italians dont do this....and for the green card wannabes...even the americans do not)........

ok......i am drifting.......so whatever........i will take leave....

* a comment on my last post

maybe that last post was a reflection of the realization of how powerful society can be...and how sometimes you cannot control feelings and the need to be with someone.......and how we want to be with someone...like parul said....who is sensitive and by your side.......but somewhere...no matter how much you want all this........finding someone like this and having that person all the time is a big thing........it demands alot of compromise and selfless love...........but i do believe in it.....i believe in all kinds of marriages.......but that post was a reflection of all this built up crap in my mind........even if it sounds like conformity, it actually stems from a frustration and the unknown...its the prelude of a rebellion.......loaded with sarcasm........its honestly sarcasm.........coz that's all i do, that's all i am.....i keep making fun of everything........and there's a tension between what we want and what society wants........what we run away from and what keeps coming back to us........the fear of non-conformity.......and the fear of pain......and the ache of hurting someone else...............................................................ok...this is crap.......

* the mystery of marriages

you know arranged marriages have alot of logic...you learn to adjust and accept a person as they are...at least in india...we cant really if we end up with a guy who has smelly feet, is too emotional, has an ugly nose...cant buy a better laptop...and watches cricket the whole day...coz you gotta accept it...men have to settle with the women they get...oily hair, cant make amazing gaajar ka halwa...has alot of attitude, refuses to sleep on the other side of the bed...carries mineral water and medicines everywhere she goes..they have to live with it...in this way, all indians get married even if they are ugly or cant take you to europe...we learn to love someone the way they are...we learn to give and compromise even when we hate it...for love marriages...its to demanding...coz you marrying someone of your choice..what if he changes...who do you blame???...at least in aranged marriages, we can blame our parents, our family and our society (and most who follow this tradition are huge fans of fate, so life become easy...just fucking blame fate)...........in love marriages, the stakes are high...great expectations..from each other and from the other half's (he may not always be 'better') family....its more scarier...what i like about arranged marriages is that they rest on the fundamental fact of life...that we have to adjust with the person we live with..(even if we were already in love with him)........and the whole concept has lots of loopholes for success...like you have mister fate...then you have relatives who will do anything to make sure you are happy....and most of all...its acceptable....when things are acceptable, people are happy....... its one of Maslow's needs....we all want to conform somewhere......but many of us deny it....

* likhte raho

ah...its therapy...just writing helps me...
wrote alot today...now i must get back to other things..
took me 24 hours to settle shit running in my mind...figured out creepy things about myself...
yaar i found this book...dont remember if i have read it or not!!...how fatuous...its the Broker by Grisham....i think i have coz its about Italy...i must have read it.
still have lots of things running in my mind...dont know where to begin to solve them...will begin afresh tommorow....and work keeps me happy!!
and another therapy i have is that i love washing clothes...
did you know Tropicana has come out with another orange flavour...it has a different name and it is less expensive....see its capitalism...coz its not real/pure orange juice...some mixed thing...its very sweeeeeeeeet...i had it....
i will mail someone now..need to fix broken relationships i guess...
i need to change myself....become a better person.......
love to those who are discovering themselves...
love to those who will change themselves..coz change begins from within...
i know i cannot change the world....but i can change myself...i can change the small things and somewhere in decades that will change the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeeeeeeeeee

* be yourself

oh i am so frustrated..my eyes are numb from the crying...and only questions remain...they keep whispering in my head.....
you know that the only person that can make you happy is yourself....
and you should only expect stuff from yourself..not from others...
you are your own God...your hope and your freedom...you are strong
and i hate being good to some people...i am not good...i am mean and selfish...and i like that...when you are too nice to others...what makes you think that others will be good too you....???and then if you do good to others...someone will come along and fuck it up......someone will blame you when you gave someone else hope... someone will make you cry when you made someone smile
abhi toh i want redemption...want God to hear me...and heal someone i have hurt..........awwwwwww i feel like a fucking sinner...hurting someone who i want now..who i long for sometimes but i cant go to that person...ego issues ...........whatever..

fuck society....stop conforming...be yourself

* start thinking...

been feeling low...been thinking about all the mistakes and bad things i have done..well, it shows that we all want to be happy and strive to better and better..yes i do strive to be better...and i am happy....but what was bothering me was how society is so strong...how many people study so much, yet conform to the traditional rules...today i thought of some things...how i was always living like a beautiful idealist and reality just hit me hard...how we talk of women empowerment but then we women feel so powerless at times...you are out on the street....every fucking man watches you...you want to make the most important decision of your life but your family interferes....when you want to go somewhere, do something and be someone..tradition comes knocking at your door...then i think that education is really bad...because it liberates you, makes you too aware...and it makes you an idealist...you want things to be 'right'. 'equitable' and 'just'...ignorance is bliss!!..you just stay trapped in that dark world, not questioning, just moving...but now when i have studied too much (and that too, sociology) i cant help myself questioning every fucking thing in society.......and seeing that everything is unfair and screwed up and worse...we cant do much....it makes me sad but then i will never do anything...i am just one of those hypocrites no??...and i dont wanna do anything either....
something is still bothering me but i am too scared to write it...so i wont.........

* blog???

who named this blog..it feels like something green and splattery...i dont know...its a funny name...blog...my blog...your blog...his blog...her blog...blog blog blog blog...
eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww!...i would name it 'notebook'..or e-notebook..fine..digital diary!......ok..whatever, i will go and eat ice cream...no one will ever read this!

* my first bloggg

ok..this is my first post..and most of my friends have been doing this for years...ya..i know i joined orkut late too...i personally think this is waste of time so i never thought of doing it...but as Durkheim says..its the collective conscience...its just some sub-conscious peer pressure...its the age, the time we have at our disposal and most importantly, we have so much to say...we are idealists of this nation...we are the future, the next generation...we are the ones to think, write and communicate...finally, we are the ones to change...so as usual, i have justified my position...why i am here
blogging is like writing a diary...except you gotta read it at the end so there are no typos..coz any one can read it...hmm...who likes their diaries to be read??...
well, thanks to vanshi, who has inspired me to create this little space for myself in this virtual world of bits and bytes..
where i hope to discover myself...