Lost in transience...

Six weeks have passed. I remember the doctor’s brochure said that with an incision, it would take 4-6 weeks to heal. I don’t know if my mind was playing games but exactly two days before it was the 6^th week; for the first time I had forgotten I had an incision (I forgot to put the antibiotic on it and was getting up quickly from the bed). And yes, after six weeks, it didn’t pain when I turned over in my sleep. And I was doing the things I would do on a regular Sunday, sort clothes, wash clothes, iron clothes and of course, pack clothes (packing, always constant). I felt I was back to myself, I was running around and doing things quicker than I did in January (such an amazing feeling). Though I did end up having a few bouts of pain before I slept L.

The story so far. The last few weeks had been frustrating. I didn’t want to feel ‘unable’ anymore. Bitter sweet house arrest. I wanted to go outside and take an auto and go to Dilli Haat to shop and eat. I wanted to be the empowered Delhi girl who does what she enjoys, when she enjoys, with whom she enjoys. This was different from what the first two weeks were, when I knew I was not really able and I didn’t want to be able. But now, amidst the pampering and protection, I wanted to be back to myself now. And another thought loomed over me. Its not just what we think of ourself, as how we are; but also how others label us. That’s the worst! I have been thought of as ‘ill’. But I question now, was I ill? People say, ‘don’t do this, you are ill (beemar)’. There isn’t just a difference in being sick and having a special position because of something you are going through, rather it’s a continuum. Paradoxically, the one who is closer to the ‘less able side’ isn’t  considered to be worthy to be heard about what that side thinks. Men decide kitchen designs, when women largely use them. Men roll out toilet schemes, when its largely women who clean them (this should be another write up). Okay, an example for the non-feminists then.

Think of pregnancy. What a torture to be pregnant and have everyone treat you differently to a point that you cant distinguish if it is because you need to avoid a normal environment or because you need special care. When you experience a condition longer than you can take it and others keep making you believe that this doesn’t make you fully able as you would be if you were not in this situation, then its frustrating. I went back to Parsons’ theory, of how the sick are ‘expected’ to be back to how they were before sickness. I didn’t just deal with my frustration of not being able to be as energetic and smooth as I have been (real or imagined); but also with everyone treating me with special care. To protect is one thing, to over protect is another. There is always a tussle between what we want and what others apparently want for us. But who really knows what’s best for us? Many times, instinct triumphs. The Upanishads say that knowledge of the self is the greatest source of joy; and the highest goal of life (Tigunait, 1983).

I went to a super rude homeopathic doc. His words just reinforced my dislike for the medical profession, that they think of those who come to them, as ‘cases’ or ‘objects’. Again I had that feeling when you define your worth by what you have and what role you play for society. I have a uterus, hence it is but ‘natural’ for me to want a child. He didn’t even seem to want to know my choice and assumed it as if there is no question of a choice here. For the first time I felt like those desperate Indian couples who go to babas so that they (the couple) can bear a son. Quickly, he got busy suggesting that its not just a preventive medicine I need to take, but also one to ‘prepare the bed’.  Things happen for a reason; and this also happened so that I definitely don’t take those homeopathic pills! Its not about wanting to prepare the bed or not, but I believe in something beyond our control. You have to trust life. There is something beyond medicine; which is more powerful. Medicine too fails.

Society has its ways of being. Why does it attach stigma to ‘infertility’ (the word itself is horrible)? What meanings do doctors and the community attach to perceiving who is infertile? Why is there so much resistance to adoption? Isn’t it an act of compassion and practical at the same time! More than a year ago, I met a student from the Plant Sciences Department and she asked me what I worked on. I said ‘fertility’. She said ‘soil fertility?’ and I laughed, saying no, like fertility among people, like how many children they have, do they prefer sons or daughters. Someone like me who remains undecided whether to have biological children, experienced that stigma. I had doctors who went on to thinking that my husband and me may have infertility problems, without even asking us about our preferences or practices. I mean it, when I say doctors. Either our children obsessed society is breathing the fear of declining fertility or increasing infertility (if that’s true). What do children mean to us? Reminds of this advertisement doing the rounds lately where the lady says, ‘motherhood is a choice’. We take for granted the long and persistent efforts of activists in our history who made us believe that some things can be a ‘choice’.  Imagine how painful it would feel for me if I had been wanting a child for so long and had all these doctors victimizing me and my husband for ‘infertility’. 

I also met medical professionals who took it on their own to assume that I should have had a child by now; yet others who said, ‘you have some time’. It doesn’t matter if you conform to the ‘average’ (rather, the constructed ‘ideal’) when it comes to the ‘time’; but what matters is to accept and respect that everyone has their own time of what and when things happen. And it always doesn’t have to happen. Again, the tussle between the individual and society.  Then I thought about the greatest contention of our times, ‘when is the best time to have children’! Lets play the role of the researcher now. Rule one, you cannot make general conclusions for anything. Rule two, its super hard to arrive at causal inferences. I don’t even think you really can (except for pure medicine, but medicine isn’t pure, its layered with society). Rule three, the role of history and context makes comparison difficult. And the rules don’t end. Why the difference between those who feel one should have a child by a specific age and others who say you have time? As a sociologist I made an attempt to answer this. Perhaps those medical professionals who say you have time are those who are well versed with managing complications, which earlier had greater chances of fatality. Many gynecologists work closely with/or are experts in emergency obstetric care and with neonatologists and those facilities equipped with advanced neonatal care units. They are also being increasingly trained to manage such cases. Equipment, medicine and transport are available. The industry is becoming super specialized. Moreover, many gynecologists may be working closely to with ‘fertility experts/centers’.  I mean this is their job, their passion, they are there for us to have children. (Sounds funny, but a nurse at a fertility clinic bluntly said this to me). Mothers (and fathers)-to be are more educated and empowered to take care of their health; perhaps more likely to adhere to routine check ups and supplements. Maybe parents of daughters are closer or better connected to help out if needed? Have the parents of daughters changed in terms of what role they feel they can play and what daughters expect from them or what they expect from their daughters?

For this year, I had two wishes, wished in November last year. I want to learn to talk nicely when I am frustrated or angry or irritable and not snap at family members. I also yearned to have a hemoglobin of 12. I dreamt of that day when it would be 12 and I would celebrate (literally celebrate!). My birthday doesn’t give me that (external) joy than the (internal) joy of Hb 12.  The number 12 is still important! It’s a yearning only I understand. And just as I was drowning myself in my unableness; I was immersed into a sudden joy with the latest blood test report. I was hoping it was a 10.5 or expecting something that would keep me yearning for that big dream of mine; and like a student elates with the admission letter of getting into their dream college, I cannot express what I felt to see 12, two weeks before the illusionary 12^th  (March). I still cannot believe it (and people think getting into a big college or being offered a high salary is an achievement! Oh please!). But my wish has not ended there, now I need to ‘sustain’ it. Keeping that 12, will keep me going; as much as that 12 will (literally) keep me going. By the way, this needle didn’t hurt a bit. I never even had a tiny apprehension before I sat on that chair.

Recently I read something that said, that the weak mind sees/feels things as problems, the balanced mind, as challenges and the strong mind, as opportunities. And this has been an opportunity. Not flaunting that I have a strong mind, but feeling hopeful that the mind can be made stronger. Its given me the opportunity to embark on my journey of self reflection and self awareness. To learn to control my irritations and frustration; to stop questioning the causes but focusing on experiencing the moments that come and addressing difficult times. I learnt so much about how society thinks about someone who is not able to perform expected roles; and the myths about iron. I learnt so much about iron, vitamin C, calcium and sugars myself. Like when thinking about iron intake, we overlook iron absorption. You may take lots of iron, but if you are not taking vitamin C, which helps in its absorption or if you are taking calcium, which inhibits its absorption, then you are taking it in vain. So that’s why I plan to take iron with orange juice in the night and calcium in the morning. But calcium isn’t absorbed without vitamin D, and too much of vitamin D (which gets stored in the liver), can be toxic. So vitamin D supplements are not to be taken too much in a year. Supplements are different from those vitamins and minerals, which have ‘therapeutic use’. You can have a good Hb, but your iron stores can be lower. And all anemia isn’t iron deficiency anemia. Medicine may rest on positivistic thought (empirics, logic); but the human body is beyond that. Its beyond science. 

The story doesn’t end here. I still have saris to wear (still cant wear transparent saris!), flights to catch, clothes to carry to the machine to wash, heavy groceries to buy, lunches and dinners to cook, books to carry, and daily walks. External joy is ephemeral, but real joy is eternal. Like my instincts tell me, that by the time I step into that hot air balloon, I would have transcended that elation.