Just three more days till I complete two
months. Today has been amazingly special. I realized how you can be at peace
(in your mind), yet engaged with the world at the same time. You don’t have to
cut off and sit somewhere in the mountains to learn to train your mind, ask
questions about society and life; and practice what you are reading. Today I
made a new document, called the Dream List. I have always been a dreamer;
thanks to life which made me one. My mom keeps saying to my dad and me, “bus
hawa me baatein karte rehte ho tum dono”.
I love to dream more than I want to achieve those dreams. I really do. I
do not yearn to conquer these; but just to dream these. Conquest is in
dreaming. Like I am not restless to go out and do them; but at peace to dream
them, knowing I have the will, resources and excitement to do these, if I
actually go out and try. So what does it start with? For the last week, I have
been wanting to explore certain places of spiritual inclination, like the
Brahma Kumaris center in Mt. Abu. I have intermittently listened to Sister
Shivani and quite a bit has been convincing to me. I recently read that they
encourage meditation with open eyes! Can you believe that? Then I have always
wanted to go to Varanasi; not really to embark on my own spiritual journey, but
to observe and participate with those who practice to understand one of the
different strands of how Hinduism comes to be practiced. I missed the trip to
the Radhasoami Satsang (Dera) at Beas when I visited Amritsar and would
definitely like to get a glimpse. Maybe or maybe not, because I have been
participating in Radhasoami Satsang, Dayalbagh for a long time. Today my
restless mind wanted to wonder to the Himalayas. A person with zero stamina, I
went on searching for short treks (3 days max!), or may be no treks but a walk.
I know its a lot to desire, especially when walking uphill in the icy winter in
Ithaca, leaves me with allergies and, breathless. (The sight may be breathless,
but I am actually huffing and puffing in ten minutes!). Still I dream. I don’t
fear dreaming, I don’t fear not being able to do them, I don’t fear in sharing my
madness. I don’t fear in being who I am.
Of the many amazing things I have been
reading; I really liked this one. Vedantic philosophy mentions to ‘study’,
‘mediate and contemplate’ and ‘apply’.
It was eureka. We hear people study and meditate, but how much do we
practice? Practicing is the hardest. But its easy when you’re convinced about
what you have studied. Like I have heard myself snap at my mom, dad and sister
so many times; or raise my voice, or get angry, or found my mind restless, full
of thoughts in search of immediate gratification. I find myself worrying,
anxious, fearful; and worst, thinking negative. It’s a constant struggle; but I
have begun stage one: ‘self-awareness’.
That’s the hardest perhaps to perceive. I have begun asking myself,
‘what is the real cause of this emotion?’ Many times the cause is ‘attachment’;
or better yet, what the Upanishads would say: ‘ignorance/avidya’. Knowledge of
one’s self and knowledge of reality is something I am studying. There are many
ways to study, or sources of knowledge (still figuring that out, I need to read
more on this). Like hearing from others,
reading books, learning from experience (both internal and material),
intuition, and perception of the external world. Meditation and contemplation
go together. I was never aware of this. I like this line I read, saying that,
without contemplation, meditation is a mental exercise and without mediation,
contemplation is imagination (Tigunait, 1983).
I am so grateful to have met Jayasri, who introduced me to meditation. I
hope I can always attend her guided mediation classes, every Thursday, 8:45 pm
and keep learning from her. The greatest pleasures of life are next door, you
just have to make some effort.
Though I have not meditated much, whatever
little I have done; has been life changing. Yes, sounds like a big word, but
its true. Life doesn’t change materially but experientially. Its something you
can only feel; like a heightened awareness; an emancipation; not like ‘I got
this, or achieved that’. Its also not a sudden thing; its gradual and slow. The
change is like a bit; but that kind of change is a big change in itself. Today,
I heard some Ted Talks by Matthieu Ricard; who said that we should grow
qualitatively, not quantitatively. That’s the kind of change I feel. Like poor
me, recently my anxieties had grown; and I am always a worrier and have trust
issues. But I saw these things change. I judge people much less now. I am
transforming my negative thoughts to positive ones. Meditation; along with study
and self-reflection and contemplation doesn’t make you change yourself, it just
makes your mind calm, so you can be more aware of your thoughts and feelings;
hence decide consciously what to do and what not to. So it didn’t make me less
anxious, it just helped me know that this is when I am likely to feel anxious,
so lets be prepared and work with it. It didn’t make me less judgmental
directly; it just helped me know that ‘this is the point where I am judging, so
lets stop here’. Its like a red light which lights up at moments where the
conscience feels it is necessary to intervene. A calm mind has greater faith in
life; and that’s really a key to feeling in control and happy. The last time I
felt wisdom dawn upon me was when I turned 26 (and celebrated my birthday
almost alone, only with my boss). For the first time ever, there was no
cake(s), no balloons, no friends, little external cheer. It was me, my wisdom
and my sense of acceptance of how things turned out. It didn’t feel too good,
but prepared me that the journey onwards will be more realistic. And today as I
turn 32 (two days left); a tiny dose of the vast universe of wisdom has come to
welcome me again.
It seems that meditation is guided by an
eastern philosophy. There are many kinds of meditations; guided by different
philosophies. Mindfulness is also a tip of the iceberg; like concentrating on
cutting vegetables when cooking (hence, staying away from music or anything
that removes you from concentrating on a single activity/thought). Yesterday, I
was confronted by this intellectually overwhelming question of what is
Hinduism? Sounds similar to this exercise I took up 12 years back, thinking of
what is distinct about India, what is Indian? Agnes (1999) writes how the
category of ‘Hindu’ has been constructed by those outside of India, denoting
anyone who was non-Muslim. Colonial/western/modern discourse has been a
powerful tool in creating concepts, universalizing categories, documenting,
systematizing, referring to written texts and separating different spheres of
life (economy, morality, family). Such a craft requires you to step outside a
context to look at it; analytically you have to separate yourself in order to
see what you are conceptualizing. So is there anything Hindu? I don’t think so.
Moreover, I argue that one cannot use the category of Hindu as a religious
category (which most sociologists agree); hence cannot compare it with (other)
religions. Simply: you can’t compare apples with oranges. Back to Agnes, she
writes how laws developed during the colonial period have created a legal
fiction about Hindus and Muslims because they, (a) are rooted in their
respective scriptures (which actually gave importance to custom over
scripture); (b) create a belief that these communities are homogenous, (c)
divide these communities on the basis of religion, overriding caste, sect and
region and (d) provide no space for the role of customary law, which is
evolving (page 43). That brings me to my favorite discovery so far: how the
concept of ‘diversity’ in India is so organic; we are born in it and experience
it; unlike the west which is struggling to ‘define’ it; ‘conceptualize’ it, in
order to figure out ways to best ‘practice’ it; hence looks at it from the
outside.
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